JokesZilla : Jokes, Jokes And More Jokez

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, “Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.”

“Really?” said the ringmaster. “Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?”

“Yes he did,” the man replied.

“And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?”

“Yes he did,” the man replied.

“And have you ever stuck your head in a lion’s mouth?”

“Just once,” the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, “Why only once?”

And the man said, “I was looking for my father.”

Two Morons rent a rowboat, row out a way, throw their lines in and try fishing. Nothing happens. One fellow says to the other, we have to row out away from shore into deep water. They row and row offshore about one mile out, try fishing again. Same thing nothing. The same fellow says we have to go really far out that’s where the fish are. They row for an hour. They are so far out they can not see land. They try again. low and behold they hit a bananza. There is no rest. Fish after fish is caught one fellow says to the other. You know we can come back tomorrow catch another load of fish and make some money selling it. His friend says that’s a great idea but how are we going to find this same spot. His friend thinks about it a moment then says we could mark an X on the side of the boat. His friend looks at him a moment says OK. As they are rowing back toward shore his friend gives him a dirty look and says that wasn’t such a good idea marking an X on the side of the boat. How do you know if we’ll get the same boat tomorrow?

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.  The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body.  The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.  The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.  The vet answers, “$650.

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….  “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?” Man: “Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

Judge: “Proceed.” Man: “I got lost in the woods. I hadn’t had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don’t mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?”

Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”