Free Funny Jokes And Pictures

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a drink.”

The bartender can’t believe his eyes and says, “Oh my Gosh, I can’t believe this, you’re a talking grasshopper!”

“Do you know we have drink named after you?”

The Grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Steve?”

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so.”

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit says, “No, of course not!”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a
shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee — just for an extra jolt to start off each day.”

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey –
throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet — then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine.”

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says…
“I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat!”

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, “You got any grapes?”
Guy at the counter says, “No, we don’t have any grapes.”
Duck says “okay.” and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says “You got any grapes?”
The man once again replies, “No! We do not have any grapes.”
The duck says “Okay.” and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, “You got any grapes?”
The man is very annoyed and says, “No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I’m gonna nail your bill to the floor!”
The duck replies “Okay,” and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, “You got any nails?”
The man at the counter says “No.”
The duck says, “Well then, you got any grapes?”

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, “What do you want for your birthday?” Smitty says, “I want to get laid.”

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There’s Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

“Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?”

Smitty says, “For a hundred bucks I want her nude!”

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
“You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.

” What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: “well, can i talk to my horse o’ great chief?
“The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says “he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse”.

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it’s ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, “Chief, can i talk to my horse again”? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it’s ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!… 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says “Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse..”

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells

“LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,…I SAID – GO GET A POSSE!!!”