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The Dangerous Convict

Free Jokes — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 07:08:00 +0000

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

His wife smiled at him and replied: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

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Really Really Pissed Off

Free Jokes — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 08:30:31 +0000

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off !”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”

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While She Played Golf

Free Jokes — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:19:41 +0000

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist:
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I’ll be all right…. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

“How does that feel?” she asked.
“It feels great.” He replied. “But my thumb still hurts like hell!”.

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Old Man Gets A Sperm Count

Free Jokes — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:47:46 +0000

A 85 year old man went to the Dr.’s office to get a sperm count.The Dr. gave him a jar and said,” Take this jar home and and bring back a semen sample tomorrow .”
The next day the old man reappeared at the Dr.’s office and give him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day . The Dr. asked what happened and the old man explained…
” Well Dr. it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand but nothing then I tried with my left hand but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help , she tried with her right hand and then with left hand but still nothing. then she tried with her mouth first with teeth in and then teeth out .But still nothing.We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with her both hands then with her armpit and she even tried squeezen’ it between her knees,but still nothing.”

The Dr. was shocked ,”you asked your neighbor?” The Old man replied ” Yep, and no matter what we tried ,we still could not get the jar open”

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