JokesZilla : Jokes, Jokes And More Jokez

A 85 year old man went to the Dr.’s office to get a sperm count.The Dr. gave him a jar and said,” Take this jar home and and bring back a semen sample tomorrow .”
The next day the old man reappeared at the Dr.’s office and give him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day . The Dr. asked what happened and the old man explained…
” Well Dr. it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand but nothing then I tried with my left hand but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help , she tried with her right hand and then with left hand but still nothing. then she tried with her mouth first with teeth in and then teeth out .But still nothing.We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with her both hands then with her armpit and she even tried squeezen’ it between her knees,but still nothing.”

The Dr. was shocked ,”you asked your neighbor?” The Old man replied ” Yep, and no matter what we tried ,we still could not get the jar open”

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she’s trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, “I’ve got just the thing for you madam. I’ll just get him.”

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. “This dog is a special dog,” he tells her. “It is able to fly,” he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

“There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say ‘my’, he’ll eat whatever you’ve mentioned. Watch. “My apple!” The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

“He’s cute, and so unusual. I’ll take him,” she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

“Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!” she exclaims when she gets back home. “He can fly!”

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, “Fly eh? Ha! My foot!”

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, “My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?”

“Well,” said the vet “let’s have a look at him” The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

“Well,” says the vet “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” say’s the man.

“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.

The little camel went to his mother and asked, “Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?”
She looked on him lovingly and replied, “You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there’s sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don’t get lost.”

“Oh!” he said. “And why do we have such huge feet?

“Well,” she said, “they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes.”

“Wow,” he said, “great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?”

“You see,” his mother informed, “we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?”

“Well, mother,” said the young camel, “I was just wondering, if we’ve got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?”